Cabin in the Woods

This will go down as one of the dumbest horror movies I’ve had the misfortune of seeing. I’m not quite sure which is worse, The Dead Matter or Cabin in the Woods. I went into this movie with no preconceived notions. In fact, a couple friends said it was good and worth seeing. I was looking forward to a “different take”, to the unusual twist this movie supposedly offered. What I saw was a steamy pile that failed at every turn. I found it lacking in suspense, drama, tension or even a plot for that matter. Cabin in the Woods failed to produce anything except a lot of head shaking and sympathy for the poor schmucks who got roped into acting in this piece of crap.

Trying to give the horror genre a twist turns this movie into a confusing and laughable mess. It’s really not giving anything away, since you’ll learn the plot within the first 5 minutes, that a group of college kids have been lead out into the woods to a remote location so they can be sacrificed to the gods. They choose their own demise and then the results are broadcast for all to see. It’s all controlled and manipulated by some corporate or government entity. I guess there is supposed to be some deep meaning in choosing your own fate or destiny here?

Ok, so we have a twist on sacrificing virgins to the gods. The problem is, who the hell cares? There is nothing likeable or suspenseful about this movie. It’s pointless and boring carnage. There is no reason to care about any of the characters, so who gives a damn if they live or die? It’s pretty obvious they’re nothing but cattle, and if they don’t get sacrificed a terrible fate waits for all humanity. So where’s the suspense? What’s the point? It’s completely ludicrous and quite frankly boring. There is nothing original in this plot, nothing unique about how it achieves it’s goal and by the end I was shaking my head and how stupid it all was.

The repeated cut scenes between the action in the woods and the action at command central are just jarring and annoying. They’re betting on who dies first and what death they choose. They throw parties while the virgin gets the crap beat out of her on the dock by the lake. They stand around waiting to see boobs on the big screen as the “whore” participates in the typical sex scene in woods routine. They don’t give a damn about these people, it’s just business as usual. Why the hell should I care? It’s another day at the office, ho hum.

All of this is reminiscent of the ridiculous games we see in the beginning of “The Running Man”. The only thing missing is Richard Dawson to commentate all the action. Where is Jessie “The Body” Ventura to spice things up?

And because the movie is such as a damn mess, we have Sigourney Weaver come out at the end to give us a recap. “This is important work”, “This is meaningful work”. Who in the hell are these gods? What control do they have over humanity? Why should we be scared?

Even with this end, where Dana is on the verge of shooting Marty to save herself and humanity because she’s been confronted by the horror of it all, there is a great big, “whatever”. The whole movie is a sad joke. It fails as a horror movie and fails even worse as a spoof.

This movie was supposed to have some grand vision because Joss Whedon was at the helm. Still haven’t seen anything of his that I like. I can’t believe when all was said and done, the creators of this steamy pile stood back and said, “YES!! That’s the movie we want to make!”

I’m not sure under what circumstances this movie would be exciting or scary. Maybe if we were all as high as Marty, this movie wouldn’t suck so bad.

Other Articles of Interest:

• Bram Stoker’s Dracula – Rating 2 out of 5
• Dead Silence – Rating 3 out of 5
• The Grudge 2 – Rating 1 out of 5
• Saw III
• Reincarnation – After Dark Horror Fest – 8 Films To Die For
• The Number 23 – Rating 2.3 out of 5
• Flatliners – Rating 4 out of 5
• Simpsons Treehouse of Horror XIX
• Thr3e – Rating 3 out of 5
• Saw